A few weekends ago, our pastor gave a message. A hard one to hear. His basic gist was that if God were to give us nothing more, we would still have every reason to be grateful to Him for the sacrifice He has already given us. Basically, what He has already done for me trumps everything that is to come in my future, highs and lows. It has really stuck with me. Several years ago my mom got me a book that documents Christmas each year. Kind of like a Christmas diary. There is a spot for the traditions you followed, your Christmas card, and a brief overview of the year. I have loved filling it out and it is special at Christmas each year to get the book out and look back on our many blessings as well as the struggles that we may have endured. This was 2014.

So when I got it out this year, this is what I found:

An empty page where 2014 should have been. Multiple feelings washed over me all at once. Sadness. Gratefulness. Guilt. Shame. And then reflection.

Sadness. Sadness for what looked like a year full of nothing. Sadness that a year ago I felt in such a tough place that I didn't take the opportunity to get this book down, dust it off, and document our lives. Sadness that I didn't take the time or make the effort to put together a Christmas card when in previous years, we almost always had one. 

Gratefulness. Gratefulness for where we are today, for Wimberley and her progress. For surviving that season that felt so lonely and dark. Gratefulness that this year our Christmas cards are in the mail and our book is full of tribulations and triumphs that happened this past year. 

Guilt. Guilt that I didn't take advantage of that first year with Wimberley, despite the issues we had. Guilt that the book for Graham's first two years of Christmas with us is full of events and activities and a shining Christmas card and Wimberley's is blank. 

Shame. This is probably the hardest one. Shame that I didn't glorify Jesus more. Don't get me wrong, I turned to Him more than I feel like I ever had in my life. I was in constant dialogue with our Father. I was grateful for the progress we made, every milliliter Wimberley took by mouth. Grateful for every phone call, every text that showed us how loved we were. But still, shame. Shame because even though I turned to God more than I ever had and relied on him more than ever and worshiped him more than ever, I still didn't realize that all of that didn't matter. Because in those moments last year, I still didn't get that I truly had so so so much more beyond my little world. That God owes me nothing. Literally, nothing. Wow. That is so powerful. 

Being a Warrior Mom is something I am thankful for now. That wasn't always the feeling when we were in the thick of it and I am grateful that I am able to be in the place I am now. But I am thankful for it because of what it has taught me. So this year, my book will be full. (Picture will have to wait until our Christmas cards come in.) And my new daily prayer is that every year here on out be full, no matter the season, no matter the triumphs and struggles we go through because Jesus is enough. God has already done enough for me.